Episode 4: Allison becomes a Sex Ed Teacher...

I promised a new topic this week...and by request, here is the story of my first day of teaching sex ed...



I used to be a sex ed teacher. I loved it, mostly because it was the one time I could hold a classroom of high school students' attention for an entire hour.

The way it worked was they just told you you were teaching it, handed you a binder with antiquated worksheets and diagrams and off you went. No preparation, and certainly no training. Just thrown to the wolves and you had to pray you didn't smell like raw meat. 

I clearly smelled like raw meat. 

The first day I was supposed to be teaching, I had a student go into crisis first thing, which is a fabulous way to start a Monday. While I was dealing with that, the Dean of Students covered my class. There were just four students in the class, and generally we crossed the street to a small classroom in the gym house. But because the Dean needed to remain in the main building, she took my class to the Administration trailer where there was a little waiting area with a table outside all the offices. And four administrators behind closed doors. So I got my student settled down and returned to teach my class. Because the class only had 15-20 minutes left by the time I got there, I did not want to waste anymore time marching them across the street to our usual classroom, so I decided to keep them where they were...having no idea what was about to happen.

So began the unit. Keep in mind administrators were listening to this entire lesson. Nothing at all scary about that, since I had NEVER done this before. So that day, the plan was to just have them write on one sheet of paper everything they already knew, and on another, things they wanted to know or were curious about regarding sex. Seems easy enough, right?

Wrong. Very, very wrong. Because you see, these are kids without filters. They can't help but say everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) that comes to mind.

So the lesson went like this:

Student: "Do condoms come in colors?"

Me: "Yes. Was that a question, because you should be writing it down."

Student: "what about flavors?"
Me: "Write it down please. I promise I'll talk about it when we get to the section about birth control."

Student 2 "Wait. Flavors? Why would there be flavors?"

Me: "Write it down please..."

Student 3: "I mean, what kind of flavors? Like bacon?"

Me: That would be an interesting choice. Please write down your question.

Student 3: "you want me to ask you if condoms come in Bacon flavor?"

Me: I do if that's your question...

Student1: "Come on, you have to know why they have flavors. Ever heard of a blow job?"

Student 2: "Allison, what's a blow job?"

Me: "I think that's a great question for you to WRITE DOWN. You should not be talking." 

I'm positive at this point, every administrator is now leaning against their door, ear pressed to it. Because not only do these kids not have filters, they also don't have volume control. 

Student 3: "I once heard about a guy who got his penis chopped off and the doctors replaced it with his thumb."

Me: "That absolutely cannot happen."

Student 1: "Ew!!!! But wait, that would be like constant masturbation. you know, finger down there..."

Me: "Ok, ok...enough. We are WRITING our questions. There will be PLENTY of time for discussion later. (When 4 administrators are not listening, preferably)

Student 1: "Can you fill a condom with water? Can you blow it up first to check for holes?"

Me: "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE write these questions down."

Student 2: "I knew a man once who made a plastic mold of a penis."

Student 1: "That's called a dildo, dumbass. They make vibrating ones too, you know."

Me: "Watch your language and if you have a question about that, write it down. And NO more talking!!!!"

Student 2: "Oh yes, that's what it's called. How would that be a useful tool?"

Me: (becoming frantic...) please write your questions so I can answer them as we go. I cannot possibly answer all your questions today!!!!!!!

Student 4: I don't think I have any questions.

Me: (in my head..I think) Oh thank God.